Hellivision

Tonight I saw this documentary about rockstar explorer Ferdinand Magellan on PBS. It was alright as far as documentaries go. Among other facts, I learned Magellan was a hard-ass who executed one of his captains to put down a mutiny, and died chopping up Filipinos who wouldn’t accept Christ as their savior.

The most interesting thing though was how the craggy faced Australian narrator pronounced Magellan with a hard G (as in good). I always thought it was pronounced with a soft G (as in gellin’). That’s how they say it on the classic Dr. Scholls commercial…

Who should I believe? PBS or Dr. Scholls?

BTW: I couldn’t find video of the Dr. Scholls commercial, but I did find this reasonable facsimile.

In this ad for Rexona deodorant we see Young Professional deftly handling the usual hurdles of getting to a meeting on time in the future. A rabid mechanical dog wants to sniff his butt, and an anthropomorphic theft deterrent system tries to kick that same butt. But our young professional manages to stay dry through his ordeal and this elicits a skeevy smile from his (gay?) robot boss. I wonder what he wants to do to Young Professional’s butt?

Why is this commercial so obsessed with butts? Are you supposed to use deodorant down there? No one ever told me that!

I don’t know why I even care, but this new Animal Planet logo drives me nuts. That sideways ‘M’ is such a bad design choice. What were they thinking when they came up with that?

I guess maybe, “Who cares? Nobody watches Animal Planet anyway.”

Tired of seeing the world through just your ordinary, low-res eyeballs? Get HD Vision Glasses to see everything in crystal clear high-definition!

I bought a pair to watch my old TV with.

The primary message of this ad for The Ladders: if you’re at the top of your profession, don’t waste time on ordinary job sites where just about anybody can post a resume. Go somewhere a bit more exclusive…like maybe theladders.com.

The secondary message: if you’re not making six figures a year, most likely you’re a fat slob…who may or may not wear a shirt in public.

For some reason I ended up watching Ghost Hunters starring the guys from TAPS yesterday evening. I’m not a big fan of shows where they hunt ghosts, UFOs, or legendary monsters. Even if you commit yourself to watching the entire program, you’re never going to see anything more definitive than some yokel with a flashlight gasping, “What was that???” If anyone ever found real evidence of the afterlife, Bigfoot, or Bigfoot in the afterlife, you would hear about it on the news, not SciFi or the History Channel.

I let myself get sucked in anyway and watched the entire episode. It was good for a laugh or two and pretty much what I expected, but I nearly choked on my popcorn when they showed two TAPS investigators taunting a no-show spirit (a.k.a. an empty room). Here’s a transcript of the best part.

………..

[A male and female member of TAPS are sitting next to each other on the floor of a dark and supposedly haunted bedroom, addressing the room/ghost.]

TAPS Guy: Are you too much of a wimp to do anything with us here now?

Room/Ghost: …

TAPS Girl: You need to show us that you hear us right now.

Room/Ghost: …

TAPS Guy: Why don’t you get all rough and tough with us?

TAPS Girl: You do realize that after tonight you’re gettin’ cast out of here? So you might as well make your last grandstand right now.

Room/Ghost: …

TAPS Girl: I think whatever it is that’s in here is just scared and cowardly and doesn’t have the gonads to do anything else. You need to not be such a coward.

Room/Ghost: …

………..

I think that ghost handled himself pretty well. Most entities would probably get all riled up by those hurtful words and start turning the closet into a gateway to Hell or something. But he kept his cool and made the TAPS investigators look like a pair of chumps. Sweet.

Watch the first 30 seconds or so of this clip to witness the stupidy for yourself.

Today’s big news in New England broadcasting is that long term sportscasting grump Bob Lobel has been cut from the WBZ team. I think the bigger story is that entertainment reporter Joyce Kulhawik is also being shown the door. Her departure is yet another sign of the entertainment news apocolypse.

These days the unwashed masses don’t want to hear movie reviews or about the latest show at the metropolitan art museum. They want to see national celebrities drunk outside a nightclub or, better yet, running over a paparazzo with their Bentley on Sunset Boulevard. Gossip, intimate details, and embarrassing acts of idiocy are more important than the actual entertainment product. In fact, I’d say people now consider the personal goings on of celebrities and sub-celebrities to BE entertainment product. Kulhawik’s fluff reporting steered pretty clear of those seedier sides of the entertainment biz, and BZ’s decision to can her reveals even local news programs are following the depraved public’s voyeuristic eyeballs.

Soon will come the day when blurred out crotch shots and candid photos from celebrity rehab are regular staples of local news. I can’t wait!

If I were this kid’s tongue I’d be eager to escape too. It’s obvious that poor thing’s not going to be having any fun later on. Not only does the kid look like a young, homely version of Gary Shandling, but he compounds that costly error by eating Doritos on a date!

Hellivision Dating Rule #1: Don’t Eat Doritos

Maybe you can risk it if you’re hotter than your date, but I wouldn’t…unless you’ve determined they’re a dud and you want to repel them with Dorito breath (actually a lot more effective than some half-assed lie about calling them some time). I remember many an after-lunch walk down the school hallway stuck behind some bonehead who had visited the snack window and scarfed down a bag. Pewsus!

I can’t stand Lewis Black. Who is this bloated jerk anyway? He did some spots on The Daily Show a while back and all of a sudden he’s got his own show on Comedy Central? I don’t get it. He’s not funny! I guess expecting funny from Comedy Central is a little naive on my part. Aside from The Colbert Report, the last few seasons of South Park, and the occasional good Futurama, Comedy Central stinks on ice.

Black’s humor seems to be all about how stupid everything is. This sounds good in theory, but his bits just aren’t funny. His act is all in his ugly grimaces, retarded thrashings, and volume, volume, VOLUME! If I wanted to be subjected to an unfunny old man screaming about what’s wrong with the world, I’d go visit my grandfather at the nursing home more often.

Watch this particularly limp diatribe on sports gambling. He finishes up with a brilliantly original joke about tennis.

Ha ha! OMFG! So true!

Give me a break…

Ax Men is the History Channel’s latest reality— I mean “non-fiction series”. This commercial is a pretty sick attempt at generating interest in this lame idea by exploiting one lumber-jack’s disturbing deformity. Consider yourself warned: this ad isn’t for the squeamish.

Do you think the name ”Ax Men” is subliminal marketing to the gay community? I don’t mean to be crude, but it sounds an awful lot like another phrase which you can probably guess. Or am I reading too much into it? I’m like that sometimes.