Hellivision

Microsoft’s latest TV ad is a horrendous waste of time and money—sort of like upgrading to Vista. In fact, Bill Gates and Microsoft seem intent on distracting us from their disappointing new OS by making a commercial that’s an even bigger letdown. That’s the only reasonable explanation as to why they’d approve such a pointless commercial.

Unless the point being made is that Microsoft doesn’t even have to bother trying to outdo Apple’s clever (though by now boring) I’m-a-Mac-and-I’m-a-PC commercials. Is Bill Gates’ ass gyration a thinly veiled taunt at Steve Jobs? Is he saying, “All the slick marketing in the world will still never get you past 10% of the market, Steve. I can make absolute crap commercials and you’ll still be my bitch.”

And has Jerry Seinfeld ever seemed more like a bad imitation of Larry David?

I had high, or should I say low (very low), hopes for Click & Clack’s As the Wrench Turns. The Magliozzi brothers’ Car Talk is an institution of American Radio and Tom and Ray are masters of corny, so-bad-it’s-good humor. But I guess their humor only works in an off-the-cuff, conversational way because this scripted TV program was just plain bad and not entertaining at all.

I guess expecting good TV from radio personalities is like expecting an accurate rectal exam from your dentist. I haven’t gotten one yet. But hey, they’re free.

This is the most immature, sophomoric piece of comedy I’ve ever seen. I love it. It goes on way to long, but that’s part of its charm.

Video produced by Boydlonafide.

Today’s big news in New England broadcasting is that long term sportscasting grump Bob Lobel has been cut from the WBZ team. I think the bigger story is that entertainment reporter Joyce Kulhawik is also being shown the door. Her departure is yet another sign of the entertainment news apocolypse.

These days the unwashed masses don’t want to hear movie reviews or about the latest show at the metropolitan art museum. They want to see national celebrities drunk outside a nightclub or, better yet, running over a paparazzo with their Bentley on Sunset Boulevard. Gossip, intimate details, and embarrassing acts of idiocy are more important than the actual entertainment product. In fact, I’d say people now consider the personal goings on of celebrities and sub-celebrities to BE entertainment product. Kulhawik’s fluff reporting steered pretty clear of those seedier sides of the entertainment biz, and BZ’s decision to can her reveals even local news programs are following the depraved public’s voyeuristic eyeballs.

Soon will come the day when blurred out crotch shots and candid photos from celebrity rehab are regular staples of local news. I can’t wait!

I can’t stand Lewis Black. Who is this bloated jerk anyway? He did some spots on The Daily Show a while back and all of a sudden he’s got his own show on Comedy Central? I don’t get it. He’s not funny! I guess expecting funny from Comedy Central is a little naive on my part. Aside from The Colbert Report, the last few seasons of South Park, and the occasional good Futurama, Comedy Central stinks on ice.

Black’s humor seems to be all about how stupid everything is. This sounds good in theory, but his bits just aren’t funny. His act is all in his ugly grimaces, retarded thrashings, and volume, volume, VOLUME! If I wanted to be subjected to an unfunny old man screaming about what’s wrong with the world, I’d go visit my grandfather at the nursing home more often.

Watch this particularly limp diatribe on sports gambling. He finishes up with a brilliantly original joke about tennis.

Ha ha! OMFG! So true!

Give me a break…

You can’t turn on the TV these days without being subjected to Rachael Ray’s heinous, chubby-cheeked grin and cigarette ravaged voice. You can see her trademark cocked eyebrow on the Food Network, her own syndicated talk show, and those horrible Dunkin Donuts commercials. She’s really saturating the market with her excruciating personality.

From her over the top gesticulations to her affected working class accent and lame catch phrases (”Delish!”), this quote-unquote chef really has a knack for serving up unhealthy portions of annoying. Judging by this active hate site, I’m not the only one that’s being irritated.

The executives who unleashed this monster on us poor, defenseless consumers probably did so knowing full well that she’d get under our skin too. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover she’s not even human - just some sort of robot with a pig brain they constructed for the sole purpose of pushing Joe Blow’s buttons. I picture her being stuffed in a closet at night and switched on every morning at 6AM. No real person could be this annoying.

Naomi Campbell and Michael Jackson. Wow, it’s the Has-Been Dream Team! What a score to get both “stars” involved with this stupid commercial.

Every time I see this train-wreck of an ad spot I can’t help but scream WTF??? Who came up with this crap? Thriller is a classic song and the video was a world-changing event, but it’s old enough to be my grandfather. And what does it have to do with lizards? This million-dollar bastardization is so far from relevant that words fail me.

Michael Jackson’s career must be rolling over in its grave.