Hellivision

Microsoft’s latest TV ad is a horrendous waste of time and money—sort of like upgrading to Vista. In fact, Bill Gates and Microsoft seem intent on distracting us from their disappointing new OS by making a commercial that’s an even bigger letdown. That’s the only reasonable explanation as to why they’d approve such a pointless commercial.

Unless the point being made is that Microsoft doesn’t even have to bother trying to outdo Apple’s clever (though by now boring) I’m-a-Mac-and-I’m-a-PC commercials. Is Bill Gates’ ass gyration a thinly veiled taunt at Steve Jobs? Is he saying, “All the slick marketing in the world will still never get you past 10% of the market, Steve. I can make absolute crap commercials and you’ll still be my bitch.”

And has Jerry Seinfeld ever seemed more like a bad imitation of Larry David?

On the surface, this ad for Oreo cookies seems to be saying “Kid’s are the same the world over.” Closer study however reveals a more troubling message…

At the beginning, an American girl boards a train in China. Looking around her foreign surroundings, she sees people eating noodles. Obviously not enthused about such local fare, the girl is relieved when mom presents her with a familiar snack of Oreo cookies and milk. Getting down to the business of snacking, the girl looks out her window and catches a Chinese girl doing the exact same thing. The Chinese girl then appears to mimic her every move as the American girl looks on in quiet disbelief. As soon as the American girl turns to inform her mother, the Chinese girl’s train takes off leaving the American girl gazing in helpless wonder. Her mother gives her a look of mild disbelief and goes back to the blissful ignorance of reading what’s most likely the latest edition of People magazine.

What are we to take from this? Chinese youth has already embarked on a train ride of world domination as America’s children watch helplessly from the station. While America has slumbered and been comforted by an image of China as a simple land where simple folk follow old-fashioned customs (eg. eating noodles), the real China has blossomed and can now not only mimic Western ways (eg. eating Oreos), but is also now leaving the West behind in the train race for global hegemony.

What is the solution to this problem? The good people at Nabisco don’t give us an answer, but by bringing the situation to the nation’s attention they have done us a great service.

This commercial for Symbicort looks fantastic. The silhouette concept worked great for the iPod, so why not for asthma medication?

But do you really want medical advice from some faceless shadow lady? I don’t know about you, but I prefer to get medical advice from people with faces. Well, people with faces or WebMD.

Sometimes I wish I were a faceless shadow when asking for medical advice though;)

These Six Flags ads are pretty sad. It’s like they started off with the juicy idea of using a shouting Japanese guy stereotype, but then backed way off so as not to be offensive. Where’s the mangled English? Where’s the crashing gong?

Stereotypes should be pushed to the extreme, otherwise they just fall flat and you set people up for something that never comes through—leaving everybody disappointed. Even the guy on the commercial looks like he’s not quite sure why he’s there sometimes.

Tonight I saw this documentary about rockstar explorer Ferdinand Magellan on PBS. It was alright as far as documentaries go. Among other facts, I learned Magellan was a hard-ass who executed one of his captains to put down a mutiny, and died chopping up Filipinos who wouldn’t accept Christ as their savior.

The most interesting thing though was how the craggy faced Australian narrator pronounced Magellan with a hard G (as in good). I always thought it was pronounced with a soft G (as in gellin’). That’s how they say it on the classic Dr. Scholls commercial…

Who should I believe? PBS or Dr. Scholls?

BTW: I couldn’t find video of the Dr. Scholls commercial, but I did find this reasonable facsimile.

In this ad for Rexona deodorant we see Young Professional deftly handling the usual hurdles of getting to a meeting on time in the future. A rabid mechanical dog wants to sniff his butt, and an anthropomorphic theft deterrent system tries to kick that same butt. But our young professional manages to stay dry through his ordeal and this elicits a skeevy smile from his (gay?) robot boss. I wonder what he wants to do to Young Professional’s butt?

Why is this commercial so obsessed with butts? Are you supposed to use deodorant down there? No one ever told me that!

Tired of seeing the world through just your ordinary, low-res eyeballs? Get HD Vision Glasses to see everything in crystal clear high-definition!

I bought a pair to watch my old TV with.

The primary message of this ad for The Ladders: if you’re at the top of your profession, don’t waste time on ordinary job sites where just about anybody can post a resume. Go somewhere a bit more exclusive…like maybe theladders.com.

The secondary message: if you’re not making six figures a year, most likely you’re a fat slob…who may or may not wear a shirt in public.

If I were this kid’s tongue I’d be eager to escape too. It’s obvious that poor thing’s not going to be having any fun later on. Not only does the kid look like a young, homely version of Gary Shandling, but he compounds that costly error by eating Doritos on a date!

Hellivision Dating Rule #1: Don’t Eat Doritos

Maybe you can risk it if you’re hotter than your date, but I wouldn’t…unless you’ve determined they’re a dud and you want to repel them with Dorito breath (actually a lot more effective than some half-assed lie about calling them some time). I remember many an after-lunch walk down the school hallway stuck behind some bonehead who had visited the snack window and scarfed down a bag. Pewsus!

Ax Men is the History Channel’s latest reality— I mean “non-fiction series”. This commercial is a pretty sick attempt at generating interest in this lame idea by exploiting one lumber-jack’s disturbing deformity. Consider yourself warned: this ad isn’t for the squeamish.

Do you think the name ”Ax Men” is subliminal marketing to the gay community? I don’t mean to be crude, but it sounds an awful lot like another phrase which you can probably guess. Or am I reading too much into it? I’m like that sometimes.