Hellivision

I can’t stand Lewis Black. Who is this bloated jerk anyway? He did some spots on The Daily Show a while back and all of a sudden he’s got his own show on Comedy Central? I don’t get it. He’s not funny! I guess expecting funny from Comedy Central is a little naive on my part. Aside from The Colbert Report, the last few seasons of South Park, and the occasional good Futurama, Comedy Central stinks on ice.

Black’s humor seems to be all about how stupid everything is. This sounds good in theory, but his bits just aren’t funny. His act is all in his ugly grimaces, retarded thrashings, and volume, volume, VOLUME! If I wanted to be subjected to an unfunny old man screaming about what’s wrong with the world, I’d go visit my grandfather at the nursing home more often.

Watch this particularly limp diatribe on sports gambling. He finishes up with a brilliantly original joke about tennis.

Ha ha! OMFG! So true!

Give me a break…

Ax Men is the History Channel’s latest reality— I mean “non-fiction series”. This commercial is a pretty sick attempt at generating interest in this lame idea by exploiting one lumber-jack’s disturbing deformity. Consider yourself warned: this ad isn’t for the squeamish.

Do you think the name ”Ax Men” is subliminal marketing to the gay community? I don’t mean to be crude, but it sounds an awful lot like another phrase which you can probably guess. Or am I reading too much into it? I’m like that sometimes.

Yes! Love Boat is available on DVD! Call me lame, but I’ve already watched every episode available and I’m champing at the bit for the next release. Those marketing geniuses at ABC really know what they’re doing!

I’ll refrain from the usual Issac is everywhere joke and make just one observation: Julie is a slut! I never realized what a floozy she could be - probably because I was still young and innocent when this show was in reruns. I remember Doc being a sexual libertine, but I was shocked to see that fresh-faced, goody-two-shoes, one-piece swimsuit wearing Julie try to lure some different guy back to her cabin on almost every cruise.

Side note: one Love Boat related image that’s burned into my brain is Doc in bed with two lady passengers. Considering the TV standards of the day though, I’m now wondering if my perverted mind came up with that image on my own. Why would I make that image up? I’m a little skeeved out by the implications. Hopefully somebody else remembers an episode where that happened. If so, please comment!

One last thing: I think the opening theme song is at least in the top five of all time TV theme songs. I can’t stop singing it.

You can’t turn on the TV these days without being subjected to Rachael Ray’s heinous, chubby-cheeked grin and cigarette ravaged voice. You can see her trademark cocked eyebrow on the Food Network, her own syndicated talk show, and those horrible Dunkin Donuts commercials. She’s really saturating the market with her excruciating personality.

From her over the top gesticulations to her affected working class accent and lame catch phrases (”Delish!”), this quote-unquote chef really has a knack for serving up unhealthy portions of annoying. Judging by this active hate site, I’m not the only one that’s being irritated.

The executives who unleashed this monster on us poor, defenseless consumers probably did so knowing full well that she’d get under our skin too. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover she’s not even human - just some sort of robot with a pig brain they constructed for the sole purpose of pushing Joe Blow’s buttons. I picture her being stuffed in a closet at night and switched on every morning at 6AM. No real person could be this annoying.

Naomi Campbell and Michael Jackson. Wow, it’s the Has-Been Dream Team! What a score to get both “stars” involved with this stupid commercial.

Every time I see this train-wreck of an ad spot I can’t help but scream WTF??? Who came up with this crap? Thriller is a classic song and the video was a world-changing event, but it’s old enough to be my grandfather. And what does it have to do with lizards? This million-dollar bastardization is so far from relevant that words fail me.

Michael Jackson’s career must be rolling over in its grave.